I'm Matt. Into manga, anime, video games, and metal. Rock that dragon, yo.
Locking away your feelings may not work but I have no one to express them to that doesn’t just respond with “I don’t know what to say”. I feel so alone sometimes because its almost like I’m not allowed to be depressed. “You have no reason to be down!” is just one of the things my family would tell me, only, I don’t really know any of them. I’m not close with any of them. Not a single fucking member in my family. I still remember when my dad picked a fight with me when I was 19. He pinned me to the hallway closet door and all I said was “You’re getting old. I’m 19. I know how to exploit every weak body part you have. Are you sure you want to do this?” He took that as a threat and proceeded to slam my face in the door. I throw a viscous right hook, get free, and wail on him. Only, I stop after a few seconds and just run. I realized I had to stop, because even though he was being a complete asshole I realized that me sending my dad to the hospital wouldn’t benefit anyone or anything except for my own ego. I stopped a fight that he would have continued. My own dad would have kept going if he could. He had told me he had killed people before and tried to slam a chair on me when I was pinned. Does family really do this shit? I would never do this shit to my son, and I know that he regrets it now. He feels like shit. But how did it even get to that point?
I just break down on the way to school, thinking of how I miss my grandfather and how everyone I’ve ever loved has royally fucked me over. I think of how I’ve messed up too. I think of my son and how much I hate that he lives away from me. I think of how when I love, I love very deeply, and that may be why everyone decides to fuck me over. People consider others to be so fucking disposable these days. Me? No one can replace you in my life. You are you. People cannot simply be thrown away and replaced, and I’m tired of feeling used and disposable. I tired of getting treated badly. I’m tired of it. I just want people to not be treacherous, but that is really just too much to ask. I feel like I’M the abnormal one with how loyal I am to people. I feel like I’m the freak and its human nature to use, abuse, and betray.
This is not okay. The world is a terrible place and I just don’t want to be a part of it most of the time. I just want to love and to be loved. I want to build a happy life, but how can I build a happy life with people if they constantly trip over themselves and fuck me over in the process?
I felt like I had no where else to put this out, but now that I’m finished, I do feel a bit better. I’m a strong person, but even I have my limits. To get back to full strength sometimes I just need to let my soul pour out…I just can’t keep this shit locked up in my soul 24/7…and I don’t see how anyone can realistically expect that of me when its essentially torture for the sake of being strong for others…